How to Host Thanksgiving When You Don’t Even Have a Table
Someone talked me into hosting the holiday, damn it
I am hosting my first-ever Thanksgiving, a concept that does not appeal to me. But my sister, who is the oldest and therefore should just naturally be responsible for things like “feeding a family,” announced that she and my other sister and their anxious, damp husbands and gross kids were going to pack up their sensible family hatchbacks and drive to my house to judge my sparkling water selection, even though I moved two states away from all of them specifically to prevent this from ever being an issue. Alas, here we are, with me cajoled into doing a thing I do not want to do for people that I’m wondering if I actually love, and this is a list of things I need to get before the big event.
A turkey
Or maybe should I get a ham? What is the consensus on the Thanksgiving holiday meat of choice? OK, I know, I am from America, but what is the thing people actually want to eat at 4 p.m. on a Thursday? Turkey tastes like nothing and feels like a bird-scented damp washcloth in your mouth. Am I really going to spend $30 and literally 42 hours incorrectly preparing a sentimental artifact no one actually wants to eat? Let me see if I can find that coupon for the Honeybaked Ham place down at the mall.
